A new position is exciting, but moving can be stressful for your
spouse and even frightening or depressing for your children.
Tips to ensure a smooth and happy transition for everyone.
spouse and even frightening or depressing for your children.
Tips to ensure a smooth and happy transition for everyone.
You’ve accepted a new job, one that requires relocating. You were wined, dined, and
signed, and before you knew it, you were immersed in a new practice. Meanwhile,
your spouse or partner has been tending to the details of moving and is now
immersed in unpacking, putting the house in order, getting the family settled,
connecting to the new community, and possibly starting a new job of his or her
own. It can all be a bit much. Moving is stressful and if isn’t handled with careful thought, attention to detail, and a sense of perspective,
it can take a toll on the entire family. Whether you’re relocating across town or across the country, there are issues to consider
and steps to take that can make the move easier on everyone.
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A family decision
When you were single—footloose and fancy free, as they say—the decision to relocate and how to go about it was easy. Do you want to go or
not? Rent a truck or hire a moving company? Start socializing the moment you
unpack, or get settled in first? When you have a family to consider, it’s an entirely different ballgame. Moving is a family decision.
David Miller, MD, along with his wife, Inge, and their two small daughters moved
from Ann Arbor, Michigan, to Santa Monica, California in 2006 for David to
complete a urologic oncology fellowship
at UCLA. David experienced what he calls “a twinge of guilt” about extending his training after a six-year residency and moving his young
family across the country. Recognizing the challenges associated with being in
a new community and away from familiar support systems, David says he’s doing everything he can to make these two years work—for him professionally and for his family. “I’m busy at work and then when I’m home I’m focused on Inge and the kids,” says David. “My wife has been extraordinarily supportive and I’ve redoubled my commitment to the family, which has been great.”
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Asked what advice he might offer other young couples about to make a move, David
doesn’t hesitate. “Before you make the decision, think clearly about the implications for both you
and your spouse. Explore whether there are substantial reservations on your
spouse’s part,” he says. “Choose your next step so you’ll be personally comfortable and where your family will be happy. It’s difficult to achieve professional success if things aren’t happy at home,” says David.
Orthopedic surgeon Chris Hanosh, MD, of Durango, Colorado, has a similar
philosophy. He and his
wife, DeAnna, and their young daughter moved to Durango from Silver City, New
Mexico in 2005. “The stay-at-home person needs to be happy,” he says. “I could do my job anywhere, but DeAnna and Abigail need to be happy in the
community.” DeAnna chimes in with the flip side of her husband’s point. “If we loved the community but he hated his job, that wouldn’t work either,” she says.
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Moving Tips You Don’t Hear Every Day
• Don’t pack canned goods. Replacing them costs less than moving them.
• Get all your prescriptions refilled (multiple refills if possible) before you
move. Use a national pharmacy where refills can be transferred.
• Number boxes by room and make corresponding signs to tape on the door of each
room in the new house. The moving guys won’t know Ashley’s Room from Jon’s Room from Our Room, but they’ll know 1, 2, 3.
• Find a safe, quite place for your pets on moving day. Moving makes them nervous,
too.
• On moving day, engage a friend, relative, or sitter to take care of your
children. “Otherwise, they might get packed in a moving box,” says Lockhart.
• Once you’ve unpacked, put an ad in the local paper offering “Free Boxes” if the moving company won’t come back to get them. You may even be able to sell used boxes.
• Be aware that if you move in the summer, it’s peak season. Movers are heavily booked and you may get an untrained crew
(hint: specifically request the “regular” crew) and fewer options for available dates. Plus, high season may mean higher
prices.
• Subscribe to the newspaper of your new city for a few weeks or months before you
move so you’ll feel “in the loop” when you arrive.
• Pick up dry cleaning and return library books before you leave town.
Source: Professional Organizer Carolyn Lockhart
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An emotional time
According to counselors, moving is not something to take lightly. “Relocation is one of the bigger stressors that individuals and families
experience,” says marriage and family therapist Greg Miller of Austin, Texas. “You take a new job, you’re moving, changing kids’ schools—it’s a tremendous amount of change all at once.” Miller says it’s not uncommon for adults to experience anxiety or depression during this sort
of transition. Symptoms to be on the lookout for include irritability, fighting
or arguing with your spouse, self-medicating with alcohol or drugs, engaging in
addictive behaviors such as gambling or Internet pornography, changes in
sleeping or eating patterns, or neglecting healthy activities like exercise.
Unique to moving is the stress caused by leaving your support system behind. “We tell ourselves we’re getting a new job, more money, a new house, and we expect that everything
will be wonderful. It’s not part of our expectation that this move is going to be really difficult.
People don’t prepare for it,” says Miller. Make moving less emotionally taxing by setting up a support system
in advance. “Connect with a therapist, support group, church, or the local version of
whatever group you were connected with back home,” says Miller. “Approach moving with the expectation that it will probably be difficult, and
that you should set up a support system as soon as possible.”
Moving can also put a strain on relationships. “When external stressors increase, it puts more pressure on marriages. It’s tougher to get along when you’re moving into a new house, starting a new job, and have lost your support
system. The stress of relocating does cause relationships to end; it’s that big,” says therapist Miller. He recommends that couples schedule a few counseling
sessions at their new location just in case—unless they’re moving to a place where they have an extensive support system in place. “It’s normal for relocating to be hard and it’s okay to get help and support,” he says. He reminds physicians that there is no shame in reaching out for help.
“Doctors are healers and tend to be a lot better at taking care of other people
than at caring for themselves,” he says, noting that he sees a number of physicians in his private therapy
practice.
Reduce the emotional upheaval that so often accompanies moving by staying aware
of what’s happening around you. If you find yourself over-reacting to small annoyances,
try to catch yourself, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that moving is
temporary—that this too shall pass. Soon you’ll be unpacked and settled into your new community.
Attention to detail
Whether you’ve moved a dozen times or this is your first major upheaval, “every move is different,” says Carolyn Lockhart, the owner of Moving Matters, LLC in New London, New
Hampshire. If you’re not the most structured person on the planet, engaging someone like Lockhart
could be a smart move. She’s a professional organizer who moved 25 times in 32 years while her husband was
a career Navy man. “No matter where I am, when I tell someone what I do, it gets a conversation
going,” says Lockhart. “Everyone has a moving mishap story to share.” Careful planning—and a sense of humor—can keep your move from turning into one of those stories.
There are a variety of resources on the Internet that offer comprehensive moving
checklists, timelines, and helpful hints and tips to make moving easier. A few
of these are:
• www.moving.com
• www.movingcoach.com
• www.mayflower.com
• www.vanlines.com
• www.uhaul.com
Since most practices pay for moving expenses, you’ll likely be using a professional moving company. Lockhart says the key is to be
proactive. “Don’t let movers walk all over you,” she says. “It took me a long time to get up the courage to be assertive.” One example she gives is asking movers to wash their hands between dismantling
the barbeque grill and moving the mattress. Balance getting your needs met with
being pleasant, however. “If you treat movers well, have refreshments for them, and see how they’re going about their business, you can relax a little bit,” says Lockhart.
Keep the phone number for the company handy so that you can call in to track
your shipment if anything goes awry. Lockhart remembers having to call a moving
company once when an employee arrived to load her furniture had alcohol on his
breath and was argumentative. “Don’t try to deal with it yourself; ask them to wait in the truck while you call the
company,” says Lockhart.
David Miller, MD, along with his wife, Inge, and their two small daughters moved
from Ann Arbor, Michigan, to Santa Monica, California in 2006 for David to
complete a urologic oncology fellowship at UCLA.