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ReMarks
Seven Habits of Highly Likeable People
The same traits that apply to likeable people will
apply to physicians—with perhaps even more importance.
This minister and author describes these valuable characteristics.
When Caroline Kennedy was six years old, her father, President John F. Kennedy, was assassinated in Dallas. On the day of the funeral
in Washington, DC, she rode with her brother John and their nanny in the back
seat of a limousine, which slowly made it’s way to St. Matthew’s Cathedral. Her mother, Jackie, and uncles, Robert and Ted, were walking in
front of the limousine. Looking out of the window, Caroline recognized the
friendly face of Robert Foster, a Secret Service agent. She rolled down the
window and stuck out her little hand. Agent Foster took it and held it tightly
all the way to the cathedral. Later, Agent Foster said it was all he could do
to fight back his tears of sadness for little Caroline Kennedy.
Highly likeable people such as Robert Foster exhibit several common
characteristics. One of those is compassion. People to whom we are naturally
drawn are those who respond with kindness and caring to others. In every person
they meet, whether those individuals are children or adults, affluent or of
limited financial resources, highly likeable people respond positively to them.
They actively work to nurture their dreams and aspirations while seeking to
neutralize their fears and their doubts. Here are seven additional habits of
highly likeable people. As you read them, ask yourself how they can be better
applied in your life and in your interactions with the people you encounter
each day.
#1) Highly likeable people are good listeners.
They value people and validate them by carefully listening when they speak.
Highly likeable people are never disinterested in what others have to say.
Their own pressing matters are set aside in order to hear what is being said.
When we speak to likeable people we get the strong impression that we are the
most important thing on their minds at the moment. Ruth Sherman, an author and
executive consultant, offers these tips for being a good listener:
• Make eye contact. Don’t let your attention drift even if you’re at a crowded party and your inclination is to say hello to friends who pass
by.
• Ask follow-up questions that show you’re paying attention, but don’t excessively challenge the speaker.
• Put yourself in the shoes of the person speaking.
• Make short comments that validate the speaker’s emotions. If the story is about fighting against a bureaucracy, for example,
say ‘You must have felt so powerless.’
#2) Highly likeable people care about others.
They make it a habit to care about the success, happiness, joy, and comfort of
others. They are not blinded to the needs of other people even though they
themselves may have a fierce determination to achieve their own professional
success. And, when they come up short in terms of caring, they are quick to
make corrections. Tom Gegax, the founder of Tires Plus Stores, one of the
nation’s largest independent tire sellers, tells of flying from Minneapolis to San
Diego. During the long flight, he hoped to complete work on a project, but the
seat in front of him was fully reclined into his lap. Not only did that make it
difficult for him to work, but with his six-feet-two-inch height, he found
himself feeling very cramped. “Feeling pressed for space, I sank my knees, which were already against the seat,
just a little to send a message.” A short time later, an elderly woman rose out of the seat using a walker and
carefully made her way to the restroom. In his book, Winning In the Game of
Life, he explains what went through his mind:
“I was horrified to realize this was the person I had tried to zing with my
unspoken message. It made clear to me how uncaring I’d been, regardless of who had been sitting in that seat. Although I typically
try to go out of my way to be helpful, this made me see that I can let that
slide when I’m rushed or stressed out. I took a long pause to coach myself about the danger
of getting caught up in my needs at the expense of others.”
#3) Highly likeable people are human sparklers.
They are optimistic individuals who shower people with positive words and deeds.
Because of their optimism, they become bright, sparkling sources of energy for
those around them. They’re people who “turn up the volume” on everything they do. They affirm others, acknowledge their contributions,
recognize their achievements, and praise them publicly. Being in the presence
of a human sparkler causes us not only to feel better about ourselves, but
makes us want to be better human beings.
#4) Highly likeable people have core interpersonal skills and competencies.
Interpersonal ineptness is a major and fatal flaw. It eventually leads to
personal and professional downfall. In their book, The Extraordinary Leader: Turning Good Managers Into Great Leaders, authors John H. Zenger and Joseph
Folkman observe: “When leaders are abrasive, insensitive, brow beating, cold, arrogant, and
bullying, this is a sure pattern that leads to failure in today’s world.” They also observe that people are often hired for their technical competence
but fired for their interpersonal incompetence. Zenger and Folkman cite the
following as fundamental interpersonal skills common to good leaders and
likeable people:
• When you talk to people, look them in the eye.
• Learn and use people’s names.
• When you’re talking with people, say or do things that let the other person know you are
listening and understanding.
• Do not dominate the conversation and take all the “air time.”
• Sincerely inquire about others’ ideas and activities.
• Laugh at others’ jokes and attempts at humor.
• Praise others’ hard work and efforts in furthering a good cause.
• Smile when meeting and greeting other people.
#5) Highly likeable people are honest.
They demonstrate an unusually high level of integrity and trustworthiness. Doing
the right thing is a constant for them. They are deeply principled. A recent
widow had a beautiful experience with two such people. Her husband battled with
cancer and then, after three painful months, died. A few days before his
funeral, the distraught widow went to the bank at a mall to deposit $200 in
cash and checks, which friends and family had sent. They were funds she
desperately needed. She stood outside the bank filling in her deposit slip when
she realized the bank had not yet opened. The widow went home planning to
return the next day. A few hours later there was a knock at her door. The woman
was greeted by a young couple who explained they found cash and checks on the
counter outside the bank in the mall. In her grief, the widow had left behind
her deposit. The couple found her address on her deposit slip and personally
delivered the money. Tears rolled down the widow’s face when she learned why the young couple was there.
#6) Highly likeable people inspire others.
When Zenger and Folkman studied leaders who were rated as highly inspirational
they discovered that they had positive expectations of others. “It appears that inspirational leaders have faith in the people with whom they
work. They believe that others are capable of great accomplishments. They
believe others will work hard, follow through on assignments and do whatever is
needed to accomplish goals. Having positive expectations of others predisposes
leaders to expect more, check less, and encourage people to give their best.”
#7) Highly likeable people own their mistakes.
They are honest about their shortcomings and failures. When those appear, they
are quick to adapt, acknowledge, and own their mistakes. Highly likeable people
don’t engage in denial, blame, or excuses. People who own their mistakes are
likeable because doing so reveals their humanity, is cleansing for themselves
and for others, and paves the way to move on. A good example comes from
television reporter David Brinkley. When President Clinton was re-elected,
Brinkley commented that he thought Clinton ran a boring campaign. Some
newspapers promptly ran the headline: “Brinkley Calls Clinton A Bore.” The next day, Brinkley apologized publicly to the President, saying he
regretted making the comment during a public forum and he should have known
better. He apologized if his comments caused hurt feelings. Clinton was
gracious, accepting Brinkley’s apology and said the reporter’s record over time was one of a responsible, professional, and fair journalist;
that one misguided comment should not displace that opinion of the veteran news
reporter.
As you cultivate the traits common to highly likeable people, keep in mind that
doing so means you not only brighten the lives of those around you but you also
improve your own lot in life. According to Tim Sanders, the author of The
Likeability Factor, people who are well liked tend to get promoted faster, be
healthier and even have longer-lasting marriages than their less likeable
counterparts.
Victor M. Parachin is an ordained minister as well as a free-lance journalist
and the author of several books. His most recent book, published in the fall,
is Eastern Wisdom for Western Minds. Contact him at
vmp5@cox.net.
The comments in Remarks are solely those of the author and may or may not be
shared by UO or its advertisers.
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